Confessions

I wrote a blog post a few months back called Ramblings... it was one of my most popular posts and most commented on by readers.  I've had a lot going in my crazy little head these past few weeks.  So, in attempt to vent for myself, I'm gonna let it all hang out.  Sometimes when I vent with my other working mom girlfriends about work, babies, family life, mommy stuff, etc. it just makes me feel more normal.  Like it's ok not to have every.little.thing. just like you like it or like you want it.  Without further ado, here are my thoughts on this rainy Monday:

1. I despise the thought of daycare. 

        The guilt of being a working mom.  The thoughts of letting someone else spend more time with my child - my most precious thing in life - during the week than I do.  UGH, THE GUILT!  That being said, I am happy that Hudson has a wonderful place to attend next year while I am working.  We are on our third daycare for this year.  THIRD.  I would have NEVER in all my life imagined that it would be so hard to find a place where I felt comfortable leaving my child for most of the day Monday-Friday.  He was in the first daycare for about a month, the second for less than six months, and right now he is being kept by my grandmother, my aunt, my sister in law, and going to a "daycare" (it's a corporate benefit of my husband's job) on the days that none of those 3 wonderful women are available.  Sometimes even Daddy, Nana, MeMe or PawPaw have even take off work on a day that daycare is full and I needed someone.  We try to rotate so that no one takes off too much, and everyone has been so awesome insisting that I build my sick days back up that I used while on maternity leave.  On the day that I pulled Hudson out of the 2nd daycare, I had absolutely no backup plan.  I cried and cried because I had no idea what we were going to do.  But it didn't matter. 

I had to trust my gut and my heart and with Rusty's support, I just did it, and didn't look back. 

        I knew God would find a way, and He did.  It definitely isn't all rainbows and butterflies - some days I drive 30 minutes to pick up Hudson and then another 30 minutes home AFTER I've already driven 30 minutes to work and worked with 20 3rd graders all day long.  But, you know what? It's worth it.  I'd do it every.single.day. if that is what I thought was best for my child. Now, let me set something straight; neither the first or second daycare was doing anything to harm Hudson.  There were just things that I wasn't comfortable with at each of them.  I didn't foresee leaving him at either place for a short amount of time when he first started.  But, overtime, I started noticing things.  One thing that I have learned having a child in daycare: no one is going to care for your child like you do.  YOU are your child's advocate.  It is up to YOU to take note, ask questions, and make sure that your child is being properly cared for.  I know how much work it is to take care of ONE child.  I can't IMAGINE caring for 6 six week-6 month olds single handily ALL DAY EVERY DAY.  Daycare workers have a very hard job, mentally and physically, and I'm sure it is difficult to find wonderful people that LOVE doing it for the measly amount of money they are paid.  There were different things at both daycares that bothered me.... but they obviously didn't bother some parents because both daycares were completely full.  I am WELL AWARE that I have VERY high expectations.  Not just about daycare... about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.  My friends and family remind me of this all the time.  ; )  That's just how I am and I think it is one of my best assets.  Hey, I didn't have to have a kid.  I WANTED to have a kid.  So, if I chose to bring one into this crazy world, of course I am only going to want the very best for him or her.  Who can argue with that??

        I am so thankful for the people that do love on those babies like they are their own and have the desire to do what is best for them and not just the bare necessities to keep them alive for the 8+ hours they are there.  They are very special people.  Not just anyone could do it.

        Now if I despise daycare so much, why not just stay home? 

 

        Yes, I could stay at home.  We would have to make some adjustments, but it could be done.  There are days, many days, that I wish I did stay at home.  But then there are times where I think there is no way I could stay at home all day.  I've had a job of some sort since I was 15 years old.  My parents didn't make me; I was DYING to be a lifeguard.  In the small town where I grew up, I was a pool rat.  ; )  Ms. Terri knew I'd be begging her to let me be a lifeguard at the earliest possible age.  I might as well be on the payroll - I practically lived there.  I loved that place.  Oh me, I digress.  Any-who, I choose to work for many, many, thought out and justified reasons that are between my husband and I.  We both feel that is what is best for our little family right now.  And those are just the reasons that benefit my family. 

       

        Some days I am so thankful that I am a certain child's teacher.  That foster child with no sense of security or stability.  That child whose mom or dad is in jail.  That child that has moved every school year and has no place to call home.  That child who has no one paying them a bit of attention at home.  I am there for them, and that makes me happy... knowing that I am someone that shows them love and how things can be if you work hard and do the right thing.

        I am also glad that I have a job that allows me to spend the holidays at home with my family.  I have about 2 1/2 months off for summer, and if I need to leave at 3:15 for a doctor appointment, to catch up on house cleaning, or just to spend some extra time with my little bug, I can. 

 

        And just for the record, being a SAHM, IS work.  I know! Hats off to you ladies, too!

 

PHEW! That was way longer than I intended it to be! But, that pretty much sums up daycare/working mom thoughts.

 

 

2.  I feel like it is impossible to keep my house clean for more than .5 seconds.

 

        We are on the go....a lot, especially on the weekends... which is fun.  But when you are gone during the week from 7-4:30, come home, show baby attention, eat, clean up, play with baby some more, bathe and love on baby, clean up baby's stuff from that day, get all baby's stuff together for the next day, WHO FEELS LIKE CLEANING AFTER THAT?!?! Yuck.  Throw an adventurous, table food wearing, daredevil toddler into the mix - multiply that chaos times two.

 

3.  There are about 569,156,436 things on my to do list... at all times.

  

        I don't even know what to say about that one.  I guess that is just life. 

 

4.  I am extremely indecisive.

 

        This may cause #3 to be harder than it actually should be.  If I could just make a decision and get it over with, I'm sure I could get more things accomplished.

 

5.  Sometimes I think my husband would like to have another baby sooner than I would.

 

        We love our little Huddy Buddy SOOOO much.  I know another child would be the biggest blessing and I know that Hudson, as loving as he is, would make a great big brother.  But right now, I can't imagine bringing another living thing into our house.  I can't imagine having to split my love and attention with another baby.  I know one day it will be absolutely amazing having two babies to love on, but right now, I am not ready for that.

 

I hope I have made you feel more normal about yourself for the day!!  I know (ok, I hope) I'm not the only one with lots of thoughts about the trials of life as a working mother.  Feel free to share yours!